HEllO.

Its currently 2.00pm in India, the weather is sunny and hot. It is going to rain tonight. I feel it in my bones. And no, i'm not a granny with rheumatis.

We'd (the winter batch I BDS 2007 PIDC) just finished our Physiology practical examination today, which was pretty uneventful.

How on earth I managed to screw up my vivas I really do not know.

I do believe that my chances of having to resit all my examination papers are very high.

Don't think that I'm being overly pessimistic, coz if you were in my place you'd think the same too. Now, here's why I say so:

1. Worse than sucky theory papers which I somehow still managed to screw up despite cramming like hell.

e.g: Didn't get to answer most of my two marks questions for Anatomy, Physiology, Biochemistry.

I hope Oral Biology survives. Seriously.

Screwed up the short notes for Biochemistry and Anatomy. God help me please.

Just realized the fearful mistakes that I made in my Physiology theory paper and Biochemistry theory paper. God, please let me pass.

Can't think of any reason why the examiners SHOULD let me pass. =.=" (O.K so now you can call me paranoid and mentally disturbed/ pessimist)

P.S I don't care.

As for practicals, I've got fearfully GANAS examiners tomorrow for viva. God, if they scream at me, I really don't know what I'd do. Burst into tears? Most probably. Sheesh. I'm a running water tap.

No use wishing but I really hope I don't screw anatomy up as well, which somehow is highly unlikely coz I always tend to lose it when I'm under pressure.

SHEESH.

Ok, I'm shutting it.

On a lighter note,

I'M COMING HOME!!!

i'M LEAVING TOMORROW NIGHT FOR CHENNAI!!!

I'M GOING TO ENJOY  MYSELF!!!!

HURRAY!

bad news is i can't extend my holiday as much as i'd like.

and i have to check my results goodness knows when. I fear the worst, am preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best.

Its all in your hands, God.

La di dum....there i feel better....going to go do a big round of shopping in Chennai and then more shopping awaits in MALAYSIA!

MEGA SALE WEI! MEGA MEGA MEGA SALE!

DAD, MOM? SORRY YAH IF I MAKE U GUYS BANKRUPT DURING MY HOLIDAY BACK IN MALAYSIA...YEAH I KNOW ITS ONLY 3 WEEKS BUT STILL...;)

Love my parents to bits wei. :D

Anyway, sighing and signing off...

Love, hugs and kisses,

Caroline

Yeah....the title is self-explainatory.

Its a whole lot easier to understand than all the crappy biochemistry stuff and physiology thingies....

This fella here has comletely lost her mood to study.

The horribly disastrously done papers didn't do much to improve my moods either..

All I can do is fast and pray and hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I wonder if that's even possible.

I just realized how boring my blogs are.

Maybe that's why no one comes here often.

Don't blame you guys either.....you've got loads better stuff to do and all I ever write about here are my feelings and all my crazy talks that keep playing in my head...

Its that nasty voice in my head.

Wish I could make my blogs a bit more interesting than they are.

Ergh...wishing is of no use  Gotta study. Lost mood. Bad mood. Pissed. End of story.

Ok so now, moving on....

I'M COMING HOME!!!!!

FLYING BACK 16TH AUGUST 2008!

TIME: 2.02AM (INDIA)

Can't wait to get back...

I have to really say this....I HATE VIVA!

ahh...

Don't freak out ppl:

But i talk to myself a lot now.

Does that mean i'm going nuts? No wait, I was nuts to begin with.

Ergh...going to chill some more. cya peeps.

Caroline

Owh gosh, i gotta be studying instead of blogging here...oh gosh....she is so damn screwed up she can't tell if she is gonna get even more screwed up than she already is...

Damn. Physiology tomorrow. I'm going to die, I think. Oh God please help me!

I hate physiology like HELL!. God, only you can help me...

Sigh...

To someone:

Yes, I know, I miss you so much too...:D

hahaha.

Sigh.

I'm so so so broken up. Worse than Humpty Dumpty that fell of the wall...

I had a very great big fall.

There's no such thing as the king's horses and men here,

So i can't be put back together again.

Oh god....Please....help me!

Malaysia beckons.

Finals are grinning evilly at me.

Physiology papers are threatening to eat me alive and before that torture me mercilessly.

Biochemistry is waving two sledgehammers my way, and sending flying knives through the air at me...

Oral Biology has prepared an electric chair specially for me. Tooth Morphology has prepared a special torture chamber just for ME. Oral Histology is getting ready to dismember me alive...

Practicals....sigh. No comment.

They are gonna do something so bad that I can't even explain it in words coz words just ain't enough.

HELP! ME! PLEASE!

Btw, to someone:

Thanks for all your encouragement. I'm so glad I met you. Yeah, I'll pass and I'll come back to Malaysia to enjoy myself! :)

The finals....give me the shivers...

*shiver*

I love you so so much mommy and daddy! I won't fail this!..At least I'll try NOT to....

God bless all...

Caroline

Yeah, you got it. Its gonna be all about exams again. Too bad loh if u don't like. Haha.

Happened to pass by a Hokkien blog which has the title "Wa Si Hokkien Lang".
Translation: I am a Hokkien.

I had a very nice time reading through that blog, and found it extremely amusing. :)

Physiology is something that people have got to get used to. I suppose its because I haven't been doing any revision on physio, mainly coz i hate the subject, but now, there's no running away from it anymore. Ergh.

I detest CVS, CNS, GIT and Endocrine systems!

Wish we were all back in the cavemen days. Those days when there was no such thing as a book and studying.

HAHA.

Sigh. So many things on my mind. So many...

But i gotta lock them up and throw the key away until my finals are over.

No matter who/what says what, i still feel like a misfit. No matter what I do, I seem to have the best skill at screwing up things. Hence, a whole bunch of misunderstandings bla bla bla. i hate me for that. Which would explain a lot. Err..nvm..Just sudden random ramblings, is all.

LA LA LA...bck to more last minute studying for tomorow's models. thank god it isn't finals...that's all i gotta say. ciaoz peepz.

An extremely tired, frustrated, irritated misit called Carol is signing off..

Ciaoz.

Ok so here I am, with model examinations tomorrow with Anatomy as first paper. I should be freaking out but I still can feel so chilled out and relaxed. This is SO NOT GOOD! God please help me.

Sigh.

Physiology was last saturday. Somehow, I feel like the Hb really loves me lah. I always get that as a minor. Well, I ain't complainin'. Though I think that clotting and bleeding times have easier bench viva questions...

Heeee....

Don't really have much to say. We haven't gotten our finals timetable yet and all, so, yeah.

And I really gotta tell u something, guys. The cleaners here are damn rude! :@

KILL KILL KILL!

or maybe not.

erGH. Whatever. Time to go cram again. Btw, vi? can i have your blog add again...i kinda lost it....xD heh. Sowweeee......

Peace all.

carol.

WOOOO!

Tomorrow's the last day of internals! Which overall I think i screwed it up pretty badly. Which is bad. And i mean REALLY REALLY BAD.

Anatomy Spotters and Viva are on for tomorrow, and the topics include everything, which is BAD!

Haven't been doing constant study, hence the worried feeling.

And there's not even a long rest before MODEL EXAMINATIONS START! WTH!

So I guess I'll be spending the rest of my days holed up in the library, eating junk food and sleeping...xD Just so I can make myself feel better. Sucks, doesn't it?

Anyway I'm off. Cya peeps and Vi, can come visit more often I don't think my blog will be that empty anymore, least til I get back to Malaysia..=P

Carol

:D

Who is feeling extremely stressed out at the moment.

Anatomy was yesterday. Apart from screwing up the whole paper I think it went quite well. As if it could get any worse than that.

Today was Biochemistry and Physiology.

Strange, I expected to do well in both. But it turned out that Physiology was totally easier. Wanna know why?

That crazily insane lecturer told us that we had studied the wrong portions for Biochemistry! How much more crazy can it get?!

Anyway, I expect to flunk Biochemistry with flying colours so I won't be bothering about Biochemistry anymore. A pity. Really.

Had a browse through Facebook just now and found out that Benny Liew, aka Uncle Benny is already married! Congrats from India, man! :D

Found out also that many of my ex-classmates, churchmates have already paired up with someone! Great job, guys! Hahaha. Make sure I get invited to the wedding!

Chewah, self-invitation. =P

Tomorrow I've got Oral Biology internals. That is a 3 hour paper and I am really hoping not to screw it up anymore than I have so a lot of prayer is most welcome. Really. Thanx to all who have been praying. its been a real great help.

On to the not so fun part of things..

I find that I don't know myself as well as I thought I did. I suppose God does, huh? Haha.

It isn't really a big deal. Its just the WHAT part of it that I find is bothering me.

I know that these thoughts aren't exactly from God, for I doubt if God would tell you that "Hey, you big fat lazy slob. Get a life!"

Which isn't exactly a big lie either, coz i'm big, I'm fat, and i'm rather a slob, most of the time. And I don't really have a life. ITS all about studying. What life is there in studying?

I often find that I have to say certain things out loud before the feeling goes away.

Things that I often say is :

I hate me.

I hate my life.

I'm stupid.

You get the idea.

But strangely after each time I say it, the horrid feeling goes away, until next time of course. I wonder if it's really affecting me in other ways? I suppose it is.

Can someone please tell me who am I? What am I like? What do you people see in me? Because all I can see is a no-good faliure at many things. Not all, but many.

See, I know its not true. But I can't see things in any other way. I have had people tell me good things about me, but I cannot accept them. I just can't. Don't tell me that this will affect my salvation. But what ever lah.

I'm sort of glad that very few people visit this blog. Don't get me wrong, I love it when people come by and drop comments and all, but somehow, the fact that this blog is only known to those whom I can trust...for example those in the chatterbox, makes me feel a whole lot better.

After all, what is a blog if you can't use it to express how you feel?

Unless of course you'd like me to bang my head against the wall (tried that, had a sore head a few days after), or maybe crash things around(i ended up with cut hands), or sit and cry (Which didn't do much except make me feel worse).

No one to tell, no one to let it out to.

I don't know why I get the feeling that I'm being punished in India.

People think I'm crazy. People think that I'm mad. People think that I'm all sorts of things but me.

All I can say is thank God that they aren't God.

People I see tend to judge others although they say that they don't. Poor souls. If only they knew the real judgement that awaits them when they die.

I know that many people hate me. Its a fact. And I'm aware of it. I used to care so much that I'd cry every night/day into my pillow. When I look back on it now, I feel so MALU lah.

YO PEOPLE! HATE ME ALL YOU WANT, MAN! I'LL LOVE YOU ALL THE MORE!

 at least i'll try to.

Satan's doing his best to get me back into his clutches again. But NO WAY NO SAY I AIN'T GONNA LET IT HAPPEN NO MORE!

Coz I got God on my side. And that loser Satan's got no power against Him!

Why can't I be appreciated more? Why is it that one small thing can leave a lasting impression on other people? Why don't they see that they're just like me?

Don't tell me they aren't human.

Come on lah, if you think you aren't human, YOU NEED A LIFE!

I'm not into hating people anymore. At least I try NOT to hate them which is better than saying that I hate them without trying.

when I see everyone else on facebook or friendster doing their own thing, enjoying their life, I'm always filled with jealousy. Inadequacy. Anger. Hatred. Fear. Sadness. Uselessness. Stupidity.

Maybe I have a really bad self-esteem problem.

Its fine with me, coz I'm living my life alone. And I don't intend to let anyone else(Human) in to share it with me.

No no, don't get me wrong. FRIENDS ARE ALRIGHT. OF COURSE FRIENDS ARE GREAT! EVERYONE NEEDS FRIENDS.

All I'm saying is that I guess that I have reached that point where I realize that I don't need any relationships with guys and all to fill my life up.

When I look around me, I see so many heartbreaks and broken relationships which, frankly, SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I've got God. That's all I need. And I've been sensing from Him quite a lot that He wants me to remain single. I feel that He's been telling me that I won't ever HAVE to get married and all. Which is fine with me. Had a bit of a problem with it at first, but, I'm OK with it now. And i'm glad that barrier has been solved.

I won't say that I don't feel anything when I see happy couples going around, looking very happy and very much in love with each other. But I'm just feeling happy for them. And i suppose God's got a really great plan for me if he wants me to stay single like this.

Ergh. I'm talking too much. Gotta go study. Ciao peeps. And hungry ghosts too, if you're still hanging around here.

:D

Carol

Well I went surfing the web a few minutes ago, googling stuff like:

"Does God really exist?"

"What is the Holy Spirit?"

"Proof that God is really there"

And I came up with a few websites.

Maybe u guys can go check them out.

And another website i found:

God is imaginary with 50 proofs.

Which one therefore is true?

Just out of curiosity.

Haven't the mood to put any titles in this blog. I'm dead tired.

Gotta really start studying...

I sort of have a mental disorder I think. Call me an unstable person that's not safe to be around with. Even I hate me. And there's no one i can tell. so everything ends up here in my blog. i don't really write about what happened in the past week sort of thing so if you're looking for some form of entertainment, you can just leave.

Can't help wondering why india is ruining my life. i've had nothing but problems ever since i set foot in this blasted country. Problem after problem after problem. They just keep coming. After one is settled, another one takes its place. It gets pretty sickening after a while.

This, I think is what has happened b4 n after Malaysia;

I lose my temper more often here.
I get irritated easily by certain people.
I like to be alone most of the time.
I have had nothing but problems.
People find it easier to dislike me more. (My fault)
I seem to enjoy feeling sorry for myself (Someone told me this)

Come on lah, if you really f-call yourself a Christian, then behave like one!

A friend told me that she thinks most Christians are hypocrites. i wonder if what she said is true. But then we're all human, thanks to Adam and Eve.

I seem to be making past mistakes which I thought I'd gotten over them, but they've all come back.

Cut my hand carving a a premolar today.

Got killed in Oral Biology spotters.

Had a rather nasty misunderstanding with a lecturer who failed me in my viva today. WTF!   

Take it out on me some other way lah.  Teruk betul.

I don't know who is that girl i see  in the mirror. What i see is that she has lost all her past personality.

I sometimes feel like an evil aura radiating from the inner me, affecting not only me, but others as well.

Bet you're pretty tired of this by now. You chose to read this blog so, nothing to do with me.

 Sometimes I feel like there's a monster lurking somewhere in me.

Well-meant advices from nice people around me all are like daggers plunged into my back and heart. No offense to anyone. Its just me. It hurts and more.

Wishing I'd never set foot in this place at all. Ever.

There is much I'd like to say but its all so messed up in my head that it'll all be mumbo jumbo to you guys. Not that it matters to you anyway.

 I never realy felt at peace with everything that's around me. Whatever.

I'm off.

Ok so here's what happened.

Our dearest Dr. Rita just HAD to go and ruin my batchmates' and my day. I sort of think she might do that to the more kiasu batch, aka 5th batch. Gosh, i don't mean to be rude but it seems to me that study study study study is all that they do, as if its the only thing they do best. This btw, is not aimed at anyone in particular. Maybe i'm just cranky coz I haven't been studying at all.

Anyway, this is how SHE ruined my day.

By telling us the new format for biochemistry and physiology exams for finals.

In 3 hours, we're SUPPOSED to finish:

4 essays

8 short notes

10 2 mark questions.

Isn't that insane or WHAT!

At least give us MCQs la...=.="

I'm so screwed. I haven't started studying at all for internals. God be with me.

AArrrGGhh!

Microanatomy and Biochemistry exams tomorrow. Shoot.

I don't like Molecular biology. At all.

And i haven't finished my tooth carving. Mandibular and maxillary molars do really do that to a person. Not to mention, premolars as well.

Went to the dentist on friday to get my caries done. Guess what? from 2 caries it became 10!

what the hell. And it costs so expensive. Can anyone tell me the normal cost for a filling in Malaysia? That would be so helpful.

I'm spending more than half of the day sleeping. that is not good. I am going to bet that the moment i touchdown in Malaysia after finals, the moment i sleep, i will be sleeping for one whole week without waking up. That's how tired I am. Cool eh?

But then I suppose that it happens to the seniors too. *winks*

Okie, gotta go awhile...need to cram and carve.

That's the only life i've got now. :(

Caroline